As everyone knows, recently I was accused of starting a hoax that when proven true, became a source of shame for the NHL. The Great Prince of Wales trophy, which has been chosen to represent somewhere between 39 and 46 different achievements over the years was tarnished. But Wait. Not so fast. Read on to find out how this debacle was actually the result of much more MYSTERIOUS powers at work. We are talking about a trophy that is SO MYSTERIOUS, in fact, that no one knows what the hell it is. I think we are all sick of seeing the same old Stanley cup lifted by similarly “good” and “successful” teams. Every year its the same old thing. That, my friends is why the Prince of Wales trophy is the gem of the hockey world. There is no better way in all of sports to award a team for “maybe, POSSIBLY, eventually winning a championship.” It may not get all the press, or even a little, or besides this week, NONE, but that just adds more of that aforementioned mystery.
In fact, it is also well known to have secret powers. Most notably, anyone that touches it will resign his team to failure at an astounding 50 percent rate. But if that team is labeled a scrappy team, with “nothing to lose,”and their captain goes ahead and lifts it in the air, it guarantees victory at that same astonishing 50 percent rate. Just think, 50 percent of the time, its 100 percent accurate. No need for a calculator, I’ve done the math.
As awe-inspiring and all-powerful as the trophy is, there is also a very distinct humility present. As human beings, we all realize that we are prone to mistakes and missteps. And in an attempt to mirror that same humanity, the powers that be decided to tarnish the all-controlling and god-like trophy with a few very subtle, almost undetectable engraving errors. If you look very closely, you can even see the typo that was written purposely this year. Someone took the words “Philadelphia Flyers”, and misspelled it “Washington Capitals.” Very clever. And how bout this nugget from the 1976 winner. During that period, the trophy was awarded each year to the “grooviest” team . The “Hoboken Disco Kings” were wrongly inscribed, instead of the “Harlem Jive Turkeys.” This, in fact, was the root of the current, barely noticeable, slight lack of racial diversity that is present at the current time. After all, Hockey used to be made up of primarily African Americans. But before you go blaming the “man,”like the Jive Turkeys did, take a step back and look at the whole picture. The NHL loves everyone of every (European) culture.
( Also comically included on the trophy was a team named the “Toronto Maple Leafs.” I’ve been on this earth for 27 whole years, and I have never, EVERY heard of a successful team with that name. Must be a prank.)
Just like the multimillionaire who engraves the Prince of Wales, I was never that good at spelling either. In fact, I remember way back during my learnin’ days, that certain English teachers had the same spelling problem as I did. More than a few times, they graded my papers and accidently spelled the letter “A” with things like “F” and “what is this garbage”, and even “You suck at school.” Its ok teachers, we all know you have a tough job, no hard feelings.
I hope this informal entry about the greatest trophy ever conceived has been helpful. Let us praise the all mighty Gary Bettman and realize that it may seem easy at first to judge this situation to be a “f**kup” or “dimwitted mistake”, when instead it is a greater plan emanating from the inner soul of this miraculous trophy.
And next time you see someone holding up the “boring” and “overhyped” Stanley Cup, just keep on walking. For deep down, we know our heart belongs to that marvel of a trophy, gleaming in the sunlight and resembling an urn full of Grandpa’s ashes sitting atop a stack of coasters from Outback Restaurant. May you always continue to inspire. This trophy played a hoax on us all.
But how much more fame can this trophy achieve? We shall see.
I would also like to mention that the NHL has lovingly allowed me to have the Prince of Wales Trophy for a day, in light of the current media “overreaction.” I will detail how I spent the day in a later entry. But lets just say for one day, I was the KING of Wales. Only this time it was spelled “whales” and it was referring to fat, pasty girls with low self esteem.
*some or most or all of this might be bs